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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24025123">The Remnants of a Warlock</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justalittleobsessed/pseuds/Justalittleobsessed'>Justalittleobsessed</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Merlin (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ambiguous/Open Ending, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, I hurt myself writing this, I might have cried at Arthur's death, I'm Sorry, Immortal Merlin (Merlin), It does have a happy ending though!, M/M, THIS STORY IS SAD, but it can't be proven so HA, for more sadness, it has all the canonical character deaths, plus a few extra</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-03 01:08:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,588</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24025123</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justalittleobsessed/pseuds/Justalittleobsessed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin sees everybody he has ever held close to his heart die off one by one. But, he always moves on. He has to. So he locks it up and keep moving, because that's what he does. It's what he'll always do.</p>
<p>OR</p>
<p>The one where Merlin watches as all his friends die. He might see them live, too.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Look Merthur isn't actually in it but it's IMPLIED, Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>63</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Remnants of a Warlock</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi everyone! It's been a while since I posted last, but here is a new oneshot for you! Enjoy being sad!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>His mother coming to visit him was a surprise. Finding out his home village was being raided by Kanen and his men was a shock. Morgana and Gwen coming along was unexpected. Arthur joining was… nice.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then they trained Ealdor for combat in a day, and the next defeated the bandits in battle.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A whirlwind saved Arthur’s life, and it killed Will’s. Arthur didn’t understand. Gwen was quiet. Morgana looked at him in sympathy. He didn’t see any of them until the funeral.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Will deserved more. Merlin took it away.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They left as the fire died on Will’s pyre and the remnants of the smoke wafted through the trees, into the air, and far, far away.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A piece of his heart broke that day. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It would never be repaired.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin didn’t talk the whole way to Camelot. He listened to Gwen’s humming, Morgana and Arthur’s arguing, the pattering of the hooves, the crackle of the fire. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>If Gwen looked at him in concern, or if Morgana sat just a little closer to him, or if Arthur complained just a little less, well, he didn’t say anything.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He couldn’t.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When they arrived back in Camelot, Merlin took the horses back to the stables, played with the bracelet Will had given him, and then went back to Gaius and told him everything. He didn’t sleep so well that night. Or the next night. Or the night after that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin never slept that well anymore, anyways.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Merlin gives himself a week to grieve for Will.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>No longer. No less.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A week, and then he moves on. He tucks it away and pushes back into the recesses of his mind and ignores the aching of his heart.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His destiny can’t afford to be clouded. </p>
<hr/>
<p>He sees a girl in a cage. A beautiful girl with long brown hair and big, brown doe eyes and a tattered dress and his heart melts a little.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That night he breaks the girl out and leads her to some unused tunnels underneath the castle.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Her name is Freya.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It becomes Merlin’s favorite name.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He visits her before breakfast and after lunch and in the moonlight, with breads and cheeses that he steals from Arthur and keeps her warm with an old jacket he doesn’t need anymore. She shivers and he wraps her in warmth and everything is alright for a few seconds.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She’s a druid and has magic and Merlin relates to her more than he has to anyone else.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Freya calls herself ugly. She calls herself a monster. Merlin knows that no one that kind-hearted and sweet could be a monster.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The bastet attacks at night and Merlin worries for Freya. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Freya worries for Merlin.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She calls herself cursed (Merlin thinks he might be too), so he plays with the candlelight. She asks for strawberries and he gives her a rose.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They kiss.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They talk of escaping Camelot. Going far far away where there is no destiny or bounty hunters or hate. They talk about a home by the mountains, by the lake, with a couple of cows. Maybe even some chickens.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> It sounds too good to be true.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It is.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Freya is the bastet, cursed to kill every night. Merlin doesn’t care. He still loves her anyways. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He steals a dress from Morgana, a purple one that he knows will look beautiful on Freya. They’ll leave and be happy. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She’s gone when he gets there.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The next time he sees her, Freya is getting stabbed by Arthur and Merlin thinks <em> no no no </em> and a statue atop the castle comes crashing down.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He takes Freya back to the tunnels, tries to fix her wound.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s fatal.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He can’t.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So with tears in his eyes and broken dreams in his heart, he dresses Freya in that purple dress. It makes her look like a princess (she always was, to Merlin).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He takes her to the lake. Takes her and tells her he loves her. She says she loves him too.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Freya floats on a bed of wood and flowers, as beautiful as the day he met her. Shaky hands set her raft on fire, and as he watched the flames move farther and farther away, a little bit of his heart burnt away too.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When he returns to Camelot, Arthur frowns and watches and observes. He ruffles Merlin’s hair, and smiles that wonderful smile, and Freya is gone, but at least he still has Arthur.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He loved Freya with all his heart.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Just like he loves Arthur.</p>
<hr/>
<p>He gives himself three days to grieve for Freya.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That’s all he can give. It’s not enough.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’ll see her again eventually, but it’s not the same and his heart aches at what could have been. If he was better and more experienced.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He gives himself three days, and then Arthur’s enchanted and destiny calls.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lock it up and put it away.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Just like Will. </p>
<hr/>
<p>Morgana has magic and he sends her to the druids. He doesn’t tell her about his magic (he wishes he did).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>All of the <em> you don’t know what it’s like </em> and <em> I live in fear </em> and the anger and hurt and everything that comes from being in a place where your very existence is illegal, but you stay anyway because you have to.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>For your destiny. For Arthur and the world he will bring.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It doesn’t matter that he’s screaming to not be alone, to share his magic with her. Kilgarrah said she’s dangerous. </p>
<p> </p>
<p><em> The witch </em>. That’s what he called her. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin couldn’t help but think at how much hate was in those words.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He called Morgana dangerous. She had magic and she was dangerous and she would hurt Arthur and Camelot and she needed to go go go be gone and away and <em> dead </em> and Merlin couldn’t hear those words anymore because that’s not Morgana.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s not Morgana.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It can’t be. It’s impossible.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I never has and never will be Morgana.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s not her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Morgana was sweet and kind and caring and brave. She stood up against Uther, stood for what she thought was right. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She did what was best for her people. For Camelot..</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Morgana went to save druid boys from being executed. Morgana went to the lower town and conversed and helped her people with their problems without complaint and a smile on her face. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She went to her friends' villages and helped them defeat bandits.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Morgana wasn’t dangerous. She was a friend and she was scared and she was hurt but Merlin was scared and hurt too and sent her to the druids.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It didn’t go so well.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then Morgause came and Merlin didn’t like the way the woman smiled and watched and tricked. She didn’t like it the way Morgana took such an interest in her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His stomach always clenched at the mention of it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Morgause sent the Knights of Medhir on Camelot and made Morgana the anchor. She didn’t know, but that didn’t matter.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It didn’t matter when Arthur was passed out on the ground and Merlin’s eyes were drooping and the banging and rattling on the doors was becoming more insistent. Angrier.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It didn’t matter when Merlin offered his friend water. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Water he had laced with hemlock.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin held Morgana in his arms and watched the hurt and betrayal and anger pass over her as she realized that Merlin had poisoned her. Morgause took her away to heal her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Morgana didn’t die that day. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>But that didn’t matter. Merlin had already lost her. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>A week later, he released Killagraah from his prison. Camelot burned and Merlin met his father. A father who was a dragonlord.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A father who died the next day.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>(He commanded Killagaraah to leave with the skills his once-father had passed to him. He had never felt so alone).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin didn’t get time to grieve the father he never had. His heart ached and his smile dimmed, but he carried on, because that’s the way it was.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then. Then Morgana disappeared for a year and Arthur’s smiles grew more dim and Gwen didn’t talk as much and he helped and distracted himself and tried to get his friend back.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A year. A year. A year. A year.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A year and then she walked out of the forest with twigs in her hair and a relieved smile on her face. Arthur and Uther rejoiced. They threw feasts and bought her pretty things and spent so much more time with her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gwen stayed by her side. Regaled her with stories and brought her flowers and smiled a little brighter. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin looked at Morgana when she came out of that forest. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Looked and saw the smile that looked just a little too big and a little too fake. Listened to her laughs that sounded just a bit forced and maybe a little bitter.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin couldn't help but notice how her eyes held something dark in them. He wishes oh so desperately that it wasn’t there.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When he asked Arthur why he was spending so much time with her (because she was wrong wrong wrong and something had died inside her, Merlin could <em> tell </em>) he said “I lost her once, I’m not going to lose her again.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin was afraid they already had.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was right. He wishes he wasn’t. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Morgana grew more jagged and threw him glares and Morgause lurked in the back of his mind.  Then he saw crystal caves that showed him how Morgana was going to kill Uther. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then Merlin watched as she fell down the stairs and watched as Uther claimed her as his own child.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was starting to make so much sense.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gwen had told him that she was worried about Morgana. He told her he was too. Then Morgana put an enchanted bracelet on her <em> brother </em> and Merlin and Gwaine barely made it in time to save him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gwen told him later that she saw Morgana use magic. A doll and a fire and an expression not quite right on such a kind face. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was dark magic. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin could sense it in the bracelet and could hear in the way that <em> sister </em> was whispered between in the dark corners late at night.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He remembers when she used to call Gwen that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She doesn’t anymore.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She does summon an immortal army and breaks Uther and slams the gates of Camelot on Arthur. She does break his spirit and his heart and Merlin’s grip clenches just a little more tightly (no one notices).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Morgana is<em> gone gone gone </em> because he messed up and he made mistakes and he hurt.</p>
<p>Morgana died a long time ago. Arthur knew that now. </p>
<p>It didn’t matter anymore.</p>
<hr/>
<p>After Morgana, he gives himself two weeks. Two weeks to grieve one of the kindest people he knew. Two weeks to register that she was gone.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He couldn’t give himself more (he wanted to). Camelot needed to be rebuilt. So did Arthur.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin moved on.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Like he always did.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lock it up and bury it away.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Like Will. Like Freya and his father. Throw it <em> down down down </em> and away into the abyss..</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Goodbye, Morgana.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Uther is broken and Arthur is now Regent of Camelot.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His friends have become knights. Lancelot and Gwaine and Elyan and Percival. Leon and Arthur and Gwen and Gaius and… himself. The Roundtable.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His friends are knights and Arthur is Regent and everything is okay, if only for a second.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Arthur gains Agravine, Merlin doesn’t like him. Agravaine is slimy and greasy and doesn’t want what is best for Arthur (he can’t see that).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But Arthur is Prince Regent and now there’s more festivals and feasts and he’s caught up in the change and the hope for a new future.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then Samhian comes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin feels the world tear apart and watches the gatekeeper to the spirit world mutter his name and the next time he wakes he’s cold and shivering and worried. So, so worried.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That night, they travel to an outlying village and find nothing. Find nothing that is living, that is.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>People are frozen. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Screams echo in the far distance.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin wanders off and a spirit of the dead rushes towards him. His magic suppters and dies and doesn’t work against the <em> cold cold cold </em>. He freezes.</p>
<p>Fire is in front of him and the spirit dissipates and he feels warmer already. He thanks whatever deity is listening for Lancelot.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They still can’t figure out what is wrong with his magic. Lance is scared. Merlin’s scared too.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dorochoa. That’s what they are.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They fly and scream and Merlin is so, so scared. He thinks everybody else is too.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Somebody has to be sacrificed to appease the Calliech. Arthur decides it’s going to be him. </p>
<p>Merlin prepares himself to die. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>There never really was a choice anyway.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They travel, the seven of them, keeping themselves a little warmer, the fire a little closer. They make it to the ruins of an abandoned castle. A fire keeps them through most of the night. But, it needs more.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Arthur goes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin goes with him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Their dying torch finally goes out and the Dorocha is chasing them and cornering them in a cobwebbed infested storage room and it’s coming <em> closer and closer and closer and </em>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“The darkest hour is just before the dawn.” Arthur tells him. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>His friend shivers. Merlin can’t warm him. “Well, it’s looking pretty dark right now.” Arthur laughs at that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He doesn’t laugh when Merlin throws himself in front of the spirit, and then everyone is fearing for his life and Lancelot takes him away even though <em> please, please take me with you, I beg of you, please </em>. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Even then.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lancelot takes him <em> away away away </em> and the Vilia heal him and then they’re right on their way back, because Arthur is not dying. He tells Lancelot as much.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lancelot frowns, doesn’t say much, and they keep going. They keep moving even as day threatens to turn into night.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Later, he and Merlin find a hut. Later, they run from Dorocha and meet Kilgharrah. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lancelot says hello. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin says goodbye.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They find their Roundtable and they rejoice. Merlin takes every minute he has left with them as a blessing. He won’t have many of those left.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They make it to the Isle of the Blessed. Gwaine and him and Arthur and Lancelot make it to the veil.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gwaine goes down first. Arthur tries. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Arthur goes down second. The Calliech finds this amusing (Merlin does not).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He talks to the Calliech. Tells her he is dying tonight, and no one else. She tells him it isn’t his time. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He disagrees.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She steps away, and Merlin’s eyes veer to the veil. Lancelot smiles and then he’s falling back and he’s <em> gone gone gone </em>. Lancelot is dead and it was supposed to be him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The veil closes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A new one opens in his heart.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The funeral is solemn and sad and he stands there just as long as Gwen. Her, for losing the love of her life. Him for the greatest friend he ever had . The one that shared his secrets so he wasn’t alone anymore.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lancelot is gone. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin doesn't smile as much anymore. He wonders if anyone notices.</p>
<hr/>
<p>He grieves for Lancelot for a month. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He doesn’t have time to grieve any longer. Uther is dead and Arthur wants to save him with magic.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So he locks Lancelot away with Will and Freya and Morgana and Balinor.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Locks it away and shoves it down and buries it in the deep, dark dirt.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Arthur needs him. Just like Lancelot did. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He failed Lancelot.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He won’t fail Arthur.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Lancelot comes back.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin is happy. Arthur is happy. Gwen is happy. Everyone is happy.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gwen and Lancelot kiss.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’s a shade. A creature of Morgana.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He dies again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin gives himself an hour to grieve.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>No more. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>No less.</p>
<hr/>
<p>They have almost four years of peace after that. Four years where no one dies and Arthur shows how great a king he really is and how great a queen Gwen really is.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then well… Mordred comes back and Merlin goes from getting three hours of sleep a night to getting one.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Mordred is going to kill Arthur.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin is not going to let that happen.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But, for awhile, it doesn’t. He’s wary. He’s quiet. He misses going out, but he can’t force himself to.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He draws away.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then Gwen and Elyan take their yearly pilgrimage to their father’s grave. Merlin wishes he could go, but he has to stay with Arthur.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gwen and Elyan treat him like family, and it’s nice (he still doesn’t tell them about his magic).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gwen and Elyan and Gwaine and Leon and Percival make the journey out.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gwen doesn’t make it back.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Leon and Percival have been bitten by snakes, the venom coursing through their veins and sending the clear message. Morgana has Gwen, and she is taking her far far away, and Merlin knows then and there he is <em> not </em> losing his sister.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Arthur worries. He has every right to.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He doesn’t have to worry, because they’re going to get Gwen back if it’s the last thing he does.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>At dawn, the six of them ride for Gwen. They find her broken saddle, and they keep moving. If Merlin and Elyan are a little more on edge, a little more snappy, no one says anything.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They don’t have to.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That night, Leon and Percival dream of a Dark Tower. That’s where Gwen is, a place so dark and cruel they people are frightened by just the name.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It seems fitting.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then Gwaine cracks a joke in the heavy silence and Merlin relaxes just a little, because he will get his family back. It will be okay (it’s not).  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Arthur tells them they have to go through the Impenetrable Forest to get to the dark tower. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>They spend hours there. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Going in circles and going in circles and making it far only to make it back to the start. They are frustrated and hurt and angry and watch the sunset from a spot they have passed at least five times.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin tries not to think of what is happening to Gwen (he can’t).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A fairy queen guides him and he uses his magic and they're moving through the forest. They go faster.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Faster, faster, faster.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The tower is in front of them, but also so far away. It’s hot and sticky and everyone’s feet ache.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin almost gets impaled.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They make it to the tower. It’s too easy. Too quiet. Too wrong. Percival is hit with a dart, Arthur almost is. He loses Elyan.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin is worried.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He finds Gwen as Elyan is bleeding out. He lost Elyan and gained Gwen. He shouldn’t have had to lose either. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It doesn’t matter.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Elyan dies on the floor of that horrible tower and Merlin’s heart breaks.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The funeral is quiet. He goes out on the lake like Lancelot, like Freya. Merlin watches him burn until there’s nothing left. Gwen watches for less.</p>
<hr/>
<p>He grieves for Elyan for three weeks.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>No more. No less.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His brother is dead. His sister is giving too wide smiles and disappearing in the middle of the night.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin will save Gwen. Like he didn’t save Elyan. He promises on his heart and so much more.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So he locks it up and buries it and tosses it away.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Like Will. Like Freya and his father and Morgana and Lancelot.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Be at peace, Elyan.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Be at peace, brother.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Morgana declares war on Camelot with a warped face and a dead body.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Arthur kills Kara, and the hateful glances between him and Mordred leave. Just like Mordred does. He runs to Morgana and Merlin knows that his secret is out.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He knows when he hears an army is marching upon his home. He knows by the slug that stole his magic.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His magic is <em> gone gone gone </em> and he can’t help Arthur now.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He leaves.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>(It’s the last time he’ll see Arthur in Camelot)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gwaine departs and Morgana traps him. He screams and cries and worries, because he can’t help and he doesn’t have magic and he has to save Arthur. The echoes of her laughter ring in the air.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He meets his father.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The crystal cave resonates within him and his father guides him to it’s crystals. His destiny lies within them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The crystals show war.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Destruction.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Anger.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Pain.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Death.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The cave asks him if he is fully ready to accept his destiny. He is.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His magic is back and it wants to be released, to move and spread out. To help and nurture and grow. To make storms and strike and kill. Merlin will do anything for Arthur. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He always has.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He makes it to Camlaan to see the battle raging. He watches with old eyes and strikes with old hands.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Mordred and Arthur are face to face. He doesn’t see them until Mordred is pulling the sword out of Arthur’s side and Arthur is pulling his sword out of Mordred’s.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They both fall. One is dead.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>All he can think is <em> no no no </em> and then Arthur is in his hands and they disappear.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Through the forest.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Far, far away from danger.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin isn’t old anymore and he starts a fire and Arthur wakes in pain. They make jokes that don’t sound quite right and Merlin hovers worriedly by his side.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He didn’t make it in time. Now Arthur is hurt and in pain and Merlin’s scared.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So, so scared. His hands shake and then he makes a dragon with fire.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Arthur won’t talk to him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Arthur hates him. Hates the secrets and lies and betrayal. Merlin doesn’t blame him, though. Merlin hates himself too.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They find Gaius. Or well, Gaius finds them. He fears for Arthur too, as Arthur fears for himself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Arthur gives Gaius his ring to return to Gwen.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin clenches the sigil Arthur gave him from where it sits in his jacket pocket a little tighter. Arthur can’t die. He won’t. Merlin can’t lose him (maybe he already has).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They ride faster and harder towards the Lake of Avalon, bitter looks and biting words and all. They find Saxons and Merlin disposes of them. He refuses to look at Arthur.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> Maybe then he won’t be able to see the hurt on his face.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Arthur asks him why Merlin is still helping him. Why Merlin is still serving him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He thought it was obvious.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There’s no place he’d rather be.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Avalon isn’t far now. He can see it, so close, yet so far. Arthur doesn’t have much time. But, he needs a break. Merlin doesn’t want to stop, but he has to.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He wishes he didn’t.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Morgana is there and angry and she throws Merlin back. She’s going to kill Arthur and Merlin can’t allow that to happen. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He takes Arthur’s blade.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She laughs. He remembers when that laugh was sweet, when it was kind. Now, it’s a bitter laugh, full of darkness and anger. “No mortal blade can kill me.” She says.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s no mortal blade.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Goodbye, Morgana.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He and Arthur need to keep moving. He wishes it never had to come to this.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He thinks that Morgana had wished that too.</p>
<hr/>
<p>He doesn’t give himself any more time to grieve for Morgana.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He can’t.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Arthur will die if Merlin grieves. The Lake is so close.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Morgana died long ago, and Merlin was just unlucky enough that he had to kill the shell of the woman she once was.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So he locks it up and shoves it down and burns it up.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Morgana is gone.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Just like Will. Like Freya. Like Balinor, like Lancelot, like Elyan.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He hopes that Morgana will find peace in Avalon. She deserves that much.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She always did.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Arthur. Arthur, Arthur, Arthur.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Arthur was going to die.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They couldn’t make it to the lake. It was too far away and Arthur didn’t have enough time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It wasn’t going to stop Merlin from trying.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Arthur collapses. Merlin collapses with him. He’s going to die and Merlin is not going to be able to save him. Everything he worked for has led up to here. Lead to Arthur. It will always lead to Arthur.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Arthur tells Merlin to hold him. So Merlin grips onto Arthur far too fightly and far too gently at the same time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m going to tell you something I’ve never said to you before, thank you.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Arthur closes his eyes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He doesn’t open them again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin screams and yells and cries. He summons Killgarah, but it’s too late. Arthur is dead. Being told he will rise again does nothing to ease the pain. Arthur is dead and Arthur is gone and Merlin is dead too.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Arthur is dead.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He screams.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He doesn’t stop for a long time.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Merlin never stops grieving Arthur.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Arthur was his everything, his heart and his soul, his destiny, and how he’s dead at the bottom of a lake. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin doesn’t move from that spot by the lake for three weeks. Afterwards, he picks himself off the ground and trudges back to Camelot. Gwen will be waiting for him there. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>For the rest of his days, Arthur will tear a hole in his heart.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’ll say he moved on, he’ll smile and laugh. But Arthur will always be at the back of his mind. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>His golden hair.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His bright laugh.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Idiot. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Clotpole. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Bumpkin. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Prat. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Merlin. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Arthur. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Goodbye, Arthur.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> I’ll always love you. </em>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>He finds out from Percival two days after he’s returned. Him and Gwaine go out to try and stop Morgana.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She tortures Gwaine for information.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Percival comes back. Gwaine doesn’t.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gwaine is dead.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gwaine thought he had failed. <em> If he were here </em> , Percival tells Merlin, <em> I’d tell him he was an idiot </em>. Merlin agrees. Gwaine was one of the best knights, best friends that Merlin ever had the pleasure of having. Of knowing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Arthur is dead, and now so is Gwaine.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The Roundtable feels empty now.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The castle is quieter. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin misses the loud.</p>
<hr/>
<p>He grieves Gwaine for a day.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gwaine always hated grief. Always hated funerals and sadness and the gloom and the dark. So Merlin won’t grieve Gwaine.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’ll raise a drink to him late at night with Gwen and Leon and Percy. They’ll joke and laugh and talk and tell stories.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>If he were here, Gwaine would smile.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So, Merlin will try to do that too.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’ll put Gwaine away with Will and Freya and Balinor and Lancelot and Elyan and Morgana and Arthur.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Cheers to you, Gwaine.</p>
<hr/>
<p>When Gwen repeals the ban on magic, when Gwen makes him Court Sorcerer and Merlin feels <em> free </em>, he mother comes to live in Camelot.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gwen and Merlin insist, and his mother can’t say no.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She’s given a room that’s fit for a king. She tries to insist that she doesn’t need that, that she’s fine with something smaller.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But Gwen looks at her as Queen, and as a friend, and tells her “No Hunith, it’s the least I could do. After everything you’ve been through, everything you’ve done for Merlin, for me, this is not nearly enough.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His mother cries, and maybe Merlin and Gwen do too.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s been a year now. A year without Arthur, a year with a queen that no longer has a king.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s been a year when Merlin gets a knock on his chambers in the early morning from Leon. His face tells Merlin something bad has happened. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Leon says he’s sorry.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin’s body goes rigid from where he was throwing on his old jacket. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He makes it to his mother’s chambers in record time. Gaius, Gwen and Percival are already there.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His mother passed away in her sleep. His mother is gone and Merlin has lost her. Lost the woman who protected him and nurtured him and accepted him for his magic.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They throw her a small funeral. It’s what she would have wanted.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Everybody cries.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin cries more.</p>
<hr/>
<p>His loved his mother to the stars and back.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She loved him more.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But, he needs to move on. He doesn’t want to, but he does anyway.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So his mother goes with Will and Freya. With Balinor and Lancelot. With Elyan and Arthur and Gwaine.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’ll always be her star, and she’ll always be his sky.</p>
<hr/>
<p>It’s nearing four years since Arthur died.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That’s how Merlin measures time now. Since Arthur died.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Magic was repealed six months since Arthur died.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His mother died a year since Arthur passed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Percy got married two years since Arthur breathed his last breath.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s nearing four years since Arthur died, when a sickness sweeps the lower town. A flu of some sort, not fatal if treated and the afflicted stays well rested and hydrated.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gaius goes to help. Merlin does what he can with his magic, but he’s always been shoddy with healing spells.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gaius helps, and Gaius gets the flu.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His body can’t fight it off, no matter how hard he tries. Merlin tries and tries and tries and tries.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But, Gaius is old and frail and tired, and his body cannot fight off the illness like it once used to be able to do. Merlin doesn’t accept this.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He pours over books and spells and consults and tries. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>But, Merlin wasn’t enough.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He never seemed to be.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin is at his beside when Gaius takes his final breath. His friends find him that way some hours later.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tears streaming down his face and hands frozen in a one-sided grip.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He has to be physically removed from Gaius and Merlin screams and cries and hurts because now Gaus is gone too. Gaius is gone and dead and Merlin couldn’t save him just like he can’t save anyone else.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His mentor. His teacher. His uncle. The person who was such like a father to Merlin.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They plant Gaius next to his mother, brother and sister side by side.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He hopes they are living in peace in Avalon.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He hopes.</p>
<hr/>
<p>He gives himself two weeks to grieve Gaius.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>No more and no less.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gaius is missed dearly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin knows that oh so well.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’ll keep the others safe and healthy. He’ll do it for himself too. For Gaius.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Goodbye, uncle.</p>
<hr/>
<p>It’s been twelve years since Arthur died.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>War is looming on the horizon. Or it was until some idiots from Miran’s kingdom came over and killed one of Camelot’s patrols.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Nobody wants another war. The last one ended in Arthur, the people’s <em> king </em> dying, and worry immediately shifted to Guinevere and her safety.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Of course, Gwen is not worried for herself but her people. She’s always been like that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She’s always been like that, and she hates it when she has to go to war.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Leon and Percy and him and Gwen all sit in her chambers and map out strategies, frown at casualties and wish their king was here.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Miran’s armies are marching on Camelot, and so Camelot prepares to battle</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Leon and Percival lead the charge, Merlin and Athiusa attacking from the skies.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The fighting is long and hard and everyone is tired.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s worse than Camlann. Merlin didn't think anything could.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin makes it down to the battlefield, blood and gore and death all around him. He looks and looks and looks for his friends, his brothers in arm, and looks and looks and looks some more.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He finds Leon first. A sword is impaled in his heart, and his eyes look unseeing into the blue sky above.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s too beautiful of a day of so much death.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He closes Leon’s eyes and lets a single tear slip. Athuisa lets out a whine, nudging Leon with her snout. When he tells her to bring Leon back to the castle, Athuisa hangs her head low, and flies away with their dead friend.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’s got to find Percival. He already lost Leon, he can’t lose Percy too. That is, until he looks up and finds him just a few feet away.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Bleeding out from two different stab wounds in his right side. With what little energy he has left, he transports him and Percy back to Camelot, so he can heal him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He can’t.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A day later, Percival dies.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gwen and Merlin watch as he smiles his last smile and closes his eyes for the last time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>In the span of a day they lost both Leon and Percival and their family is broken just a little bit more than it already was.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The funeral is fitting, and they go out on Avalon, a whole city there to mourn the loss of their favorite knights.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Merlin gives himself six months to mourn Percy and Leon.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>No more. No less.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He couldn’t save them, and Merlin hurts so much every time he remembers that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’ll always remember that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They are some of the most honorable and brave men he ever knew.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then he locks them away with Will and Freya and Morgana and Lancelot. Locks them away and shoves it down with Elyan and Arthur and Gwaine and his mother and Gaius.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Goodbye, my friends.</p>
<hr/>
<p>All that remains of the once great Roundtable now is him and Gwen.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The great and grand roundtable that now only seats two people. It’s lonely, and the chairs, once full of people, of heroes, now sit, collecting dust.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin and Gwen couldn’t bear to do anything else to them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>These days, Gwen is the only person Merlin will talk to. Gwen doesn’t talk to many people anymore either.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It hurts too much.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But, they have each other and have since the day Merlin first came to Camelot almost sixty years ago.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin and Gwen. Gwen and Merlin. Them against the world.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Whether it be as servants, outcasts, magic incarnates or royalty.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But, all good things come to an end. Even if Merlin so desperately wants them to stay the same. And so it is for the brother and sister in everything but blood. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gwen is old and tired, and even if Merlin will not acknowledge it, at the end of her time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>For the past three months she’s been lying in her bed. In the nine months prior, she could barely leave her room, too tired and too frail to go out. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was also a year that Merlin was by her side everyday. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>They talked and remincinced and when Gwen was having one of her good days, when she could move around a bit, they would go on a walk through the gardens, which were always so warm and comforting.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Everyday, new flowers would appear by her bedside.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Even Athuisa, the dragon they both loved so much, would often come to visit, snuggling up close to Gwen and offering her comfort through words and love alike.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin was afraid, just like he always was.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gwen tried to calm his nerves, but Merlin was too afraid. Afraid of being alone. Afraid of losing his one last, true friend. Just like how he had lost everyone else.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was so afraid that he started sleeping in Gwen’s chambers.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Researching cures to an unknown illness (there wasn’t one, but Merlin refused to accept it was merely age).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But, Gwen was on the verge of death.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gwen was on the verge of death, and both of them knew it. So Merlin squeezed her hand, and Gwen gave him reassuring words, and Merlin’s eyes flashed gold, and Gwen’s hand went slack, and she went to sleep.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She wouldn’t wake up again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin didn’t stay for the funeral. He was gone in the hour. Gone like Gwen.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He left through the front gates of the city he had called home for so many years, and he never once looked back. He couldn’t.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Like Arthur, he never really stopped mourning Gwen.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Even if he knew she would have scolded him for it. She’d tell him to move on and live his life, to be happy.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin didn’t know how to be happy anymore.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A few years after her death, he hears whispers of how Camelot fell to the Saxons. His heart aches and he moves farther away.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>An old man with a dragon and nothing else.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Goodbye, Guinevere.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Goodbye, my sister.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Merlin has been around a long time. Too long. He’s walked the Earth and then walked it again. He’s lived in mansions and begged on the streets.  He’s been old and he’s been young. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>In the early fifteen hundreds, when Merlin is just shy of his nine hundred and eightieth birthday, Athuisa dies.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was her time, even though it shouldn’t have been.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin keeps moving. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He watches wars and famine. Watches as people scream and blood makes the ground look so, so red. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>There’s death and genocide too. Hate and fear and fire and blood.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin remembers the Salem Witch Trials, so eerily familiar to Uther’s Purge that sometimes he would wake up and think he was back in Camelot.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He drifts like wood in the ocean, moving from place to place. He teaches and writes and heals and entertains and laughs and lives and misses. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then Merlin moves on.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He always moves on.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin is friends with great artists. He and William have an affair. Yes. <em> That </em> William. He fights in the Civil War in America and is a medic in the Great War.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then the second world war comes to pass, and Arthur doesn’t rise. Merlin hopes and prays every time he goes into battle for Arthur to rise.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Newsflash from the front lines: he doesn’t.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His hope dwindles. It’s after WWII that Merlin gives up any hope he might have had for Arthur to return.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’s not coming.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And Merlin’s been left to wait.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He moves on.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eventually, he settles back into London, young once again. It’s one of his favorite cities to live in, after all.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’s a history professor, now. Which seems fitting in it’s own right, because he’s living history himself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>An old, old man, in a young man’s body.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But, he’s a history professor who is tired and really does not want to grade any more papers. It’s also Friday, and with that hurt that’s still burning in his chest, he remembers that it’s Arthur’s birthday.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So, he goes down to the local pub and gets himself a glass of whiskey because he’s over a thousand years old and he can do whatever the hell he wants.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So that is how Merlin finds himself with a glass of whiskey, watching the people walk by down the streets of London.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The happy people. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The people with friends, with families.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His family and friends are dead now.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sighing sadly to himself, he takes another sip of his whiskey. He’s throwing his own pity party tonight, apparently. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey, can I get eight beers for that table over there? That’d be great, thanks.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Merlin stiffened. “Gwaine?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He turned to find his friend, in all his roguish glory leaning against the bar. He paused. “Merlin?” Gwaine smiled and when Merlin looked over his shoulder, at the back of the bar, chatting happily away, he saw all his once-dead friends.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>All very much alive.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gwen and Leon and Percy and Elyan and Lancelot and Morgana, all oh so happy. All laughing and joking and then there was Arthur Arthur Arthur and Merlin almost cried at how happy he was.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Fifteen hundred years, and he finds his friends, his family in a pub. On Arthur’s birthday.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gwaine’s grin widened, and he turned back to the bartender. “You know what? Make it nine. I think my friend here will be joining us.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And maybe everything was okay for the first time in a long, long while.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Are you heartbroken now? If so, I did warn you. Don't worry, I'm sad too! Well, I hope you liked it, and be sure to leave your comments down below!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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